Welcome to Writing Clinic! This is a weekly series where I choose one post at random from those submitted and give feedback and editorial suggestions. If you’d like to take part, read this post for details.
Note that if your post wasn't chosen this week and you still want it be considered, you'll need to resubmit it for next week's draw.
Today’s post is “5 Rules to Get Out of Your Payday Loan” from Busta of BustaLoan.com. It’s already been published, but I’m assuming Busta will update it in light of my feedback, so I’ll give you the current version of the post here.
How the Post Looks
The Post Text
Here’s the full text of Busta’s post:
Rule #1 to get out of your payday loan
The full time job of your payday loan lender is to keep you in debt! Payday loan lenders are not your friend! PDL collectors have much more experience than you do. They've "heard it all" and have a killer reply to every excuse you offer; unless you've done your homework. (I can help you with HOMEWORK!)
Rule #2 to get out of your payday loan
Don't allow the collector to "get inside" your head. Share nothing; zero information. Never use abusive language. This is a game so keep your cool. For the collector, it's not personal. They're simply doing their job. Payday loan collectors are generally not the "cream-of-the-crop." Those who are really good, move up the food chain to mortgages, credit card debt…
Rule #3 to get out of your payday loan
Never, ever give a payday loan lender access to your bank account again. Use Western Union, Money Gram, a money order, a prepaid card… anything but your bank routing and account numbers! NEVER!! And NEVER cash a check you receive from them! More on this later.
Rule #4 to get out of your payday loan
Never volunteer any information to a lender or collector. They already know EVERYTHING about you as a result of your original payday loan application. That means no updates regarding your phone number (get a throw away, prepaid phone at Target, Wal-mart, Radio Shack…), your employment, your address, your new bank account, your new puppy's name, children's names…NOTHING!
Rule #5 to get out of your payday loan
Your Job #1 is to "poor mouth" yourself; you have zero money today and zero prospects for tomorrow.
What’s Working Well
As the posts stands, Busta’s doing a lot of things right:
#1: The Title
He has a great title, with a number, the word “rules” (which is powerful – it implies that if you don’t do even one of these things, you’re getting it wrong). The title also contains the word “your”, which helps make a connection with the reader.
#2: The Structure
Busta's post has a clear structure (though it's missing a beginning and end, which I'll come onto in a minute). He’s numbered the points within the post (sounds basic, but bloggers often forget to) and he’s using subheadings.
#3: The Writing Style
The post is well-written: not just free of sloppy mistakes, but also conversational in tone, addressing the reader as “you”. In fact, Busta uses the word "you" 8 times and "your" 17 times … and the word "I" just once.
What Might Need Tweaking
Of course, being a writer and editor, I usually find something to pick on. 
Here are a few suggested changes for Busta’s post. Do any of these apply to your most recent blog post too?
Suggestion #1: Add an Introduction and Conclusion
As it stands, Busta’s list of rules forms the whole of the post. I’d really like to see an introductory paragraph and a line at the end to round things off.
Why? Because a list presented on its own can come across as a bit abrupt and even not-quite-finished to the reader.
Suggestion #2: Change the Subheadings
All of Busta's subheadings are almost the same – "Rule #N to get out of your payday loan". While it's great to have the subheadings in place, I'd much rather each subheading gave the actual rule, like this:
Rule #1: Payday Loan Lenders Aren't Your Friends
Rule #2: Don't Let the Collector Get to You
I think this would also help clarify the rules themselves; in some cases, like in point #2, it's not 100% clear what the actual rule is.
My impression is that Busta might have chosen to use the very-similar subheadings for SEO reasons. This is a mistake: keyword density isn't especially important, and you definitely shouldn't allow your keyword to take priority over writing content that's useful for readers.
Suggestion #3: Expand on Rule #5
Maybe Busta was running out of steam as he wrote the post (I know that happens to me!) or maybe he just couldn't think of much to say. Either way, Rule #5 is less than half the length of the other rules, and this makes the post look unbalanced.
(I also think Rule 5 could do with a bit of clarifying. I think Busta's saying that you need to be tough on yourself, and tell it like it is, but I'm not quite sure.)
Suggestion #4: Change the Link in Rule #1
In Rule #1, Busta has a link with the anchor text "payday loan lenders". I expected this to go to a blog post on this topic – but actually it goes to his home page.
This leads me to think the link is in there for SEO reasons. If that's the case, Busta's worrying about SEO at the expense of creating content that's super-useful for readers: always a mistake. I'd either take this link out altogether, or create a link to a blog post that offers further information.
The word "HOMEWORK" seemed to be crying out to be a link to another post, or perhaps a landing page for Busta's newsletter.
Suggestion #5: Use Headers not Bold for Subheadings
HTML code has heading styles, like H1 (used for your post title), H2 (used for first-level subheadings in my post here). In the WordPress visual editor, you can select these using the "Paragraph" dropdown. Depending on your theme, you may find you need to use bold text for sub-subheadings, or you may have an H3 style set up.
Using H2 for subheadings makes them larger and more attractive to readers, and also gives a little more weight to the words in them for SEO purposes.
Suggestion #6: Expand the Whole Post
This is quite a concise post from Busta at 282 words, and I think it would work well at this length and level of depth for an email newsletter. As a blog post, though, Busta might want to consider expanding it – perhaps by adding in links to other resources (on his site or elsewhere) and by quoting from other experts on payday loans to help reinforce his points.
Busta, thanks for being brave enough to submit your post for the very first Writing Clinic. I really like your direct, forthright style, and I hope these suggestions help you and help other DailyBlogTips readers as well.
Do you have a suggestion for Busta, or do you want to point out something you really liked about his post? Let us know in the comments. (Please be polite and constructive with your feedback.)
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